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A Message To My Dog and Human Friends - Must Read!
To be posted VERY LOW on the refrigerator door - snout height.
Dear Dogs:
The dishes with the paw prints are yours and contain your food. The other dishes are mine and contain my food. Please note, placing a paw print in the middle of my plate of food does not stake a claim for it becoming your food and dish, nor do I find that aesthetically pleasing in the slightest.
Our house was not designed by NASCAR and is not a racetrack. Beating me to the next room is not the object. Tripping me doesn't help because I fall faster than you can run.
I cannot buy anything bigger than a king-sized bed. I am very sorry about this. Do not think I will continue sleeping on the couch to ensure your comfort. Dogs and cats can actually curl up in a ball when they sleep. It is not necessary to sleep perpendicular to each other stretched out to the fullest extent possible. I also know that sticking tails straight out and having tongues hanging out the other end to maximize space is nothing but sarcasm.
For the last time, there is not a secret exit from the bathroom. If by some miracle I beat you there and manage to get the door shut, it is not necessary to claw, whine, growl, etc. or try to turn the knob. I must exit through the same door I entered. Also, I have been using the bathroom for years --canine attendance is not mandatory.
The proper order is kiss me, then go smell the other dog's butt. I cannot stress this enough!
To pacify you, my dear dogs, I have posted the following message on our front door:
To All Non-Pet Owners Who Visit & Like to Complain About Our Dogs:
1. They live here. You don't.
2. If you don't want their hair on your clothes, stay off the furniture. (That's why it's called 'fur'niture.)
3. I like my dogs a lot better than I like a lot of people.
4. To you, it's an animal. To me, they are my adopted children. They just happen to be short, hairy, walk on all fours and whine & growl instead of speaking like you do.
Remember, Dogs are better than kids because they:
1. Eat less
2. Don't ask for money all the time
3. Are easier to train (???)
4. Usually come when called
5. Never ask to drive your car
6. Don't hang out with drug-using friends
7. Don't smoke or drink
8. Don't worry about having to buy the latest fashions
9. Don't wear your clothes
10. Don't need a gazillion dollars for college, and
11. If they get pregnant, you can just sell their children if you want to.
Submitted by John H.
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